onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize