I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
