Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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