2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
