i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
