we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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