I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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