I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize