her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
