so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
