i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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