So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dear god my vagina.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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