Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
