Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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