I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
