Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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