Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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