I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
