so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
pop tarts are not kleenex
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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