We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
