dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
