halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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