1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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