I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
