so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
NoShamevember. You game?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
