So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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