If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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