she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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