He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
