I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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