We're facebook friends in real life
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
