Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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