No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
