we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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