the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize