My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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