Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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