dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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