I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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