woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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