Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
