I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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