Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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