I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
