fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
