you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
