Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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