Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize