I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
