Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
