My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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