What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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