she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
