toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
