thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
