i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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