My liver just broke up with me...
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
