youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
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