6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im having a threesome with these popsicles
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
