Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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