guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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