Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
