Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
