I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
