I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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