No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
