it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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