dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
