Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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